The last couple of weeks have been so intense for me. I had a couple of girls flake on me that I was going to go out with, one girl I was dating said she hoped we could "be friends". My job started working me until one and two in the morning, I was able to sell my motorcycle and my guitar and pay off some Debt at 50% of what I owed...and a business opportunity has come up. Lots of things happening. Some of them outside, and some of them intrinsic, heart type changes and, o my goodness I have been feeling so stretched. So many changes all the time.

But one thing I've learned about myself, and that I am learning to a greater and deeper level is that I thrive on change. I Love change. OK, well I also hate it. Change is hard for me. Its uncomfortable, and I feel unsafe and insecure when change is happening. AND I love change. I don't thrive in environments where things remain static. I start to die a slow death when I work the 9-5 of the regular job. A friend of mine recently said that she could not stand working full time. That she gets really bord with the predictability of getting the same paycheck every week. There is something in me that cringes when I hear those kind of words. Risky words. Its the comfortable part of me. Its the part of me that wants to curl up and bask in predictability and distraction. Its the part of me that wants to settle, just cruise through life, not really accomplishing anything or making any waves. The safe life.

Right, like thats going to happen.

But the other part of me is the side that thrives on risk, on new experiences, people, and places and things. There is something in me that says, no, demands that I strive for greatness. That pushes me to achieve, to reach and grow and challenge the way life has to be lived. It says that I don't have to be perfect, that the circomstances don't have to be perfect, for me to strike out and execute whatever stragety or idea that is bouncing around my head or heart. Its the voice that encourages me to GO FOR IT. Plan, calculate, be smart, then LAUNCH. Don't hesitate, don't look back, don't worry about the future or how its going to work out. Don't worry about things you can't control. Take a step, you will be OK.

Thats the voice I love. It sets me free. IT IS THE VOICE OF FREEDOM.

I LOVE FREEDOM.

I love doing what I love. I love persuing life with passion, and excitement. I love NOT knowing whats going to happen. Is it easy to not know whats going to happen? NO. Part of me wants to know EVERYTHING thats going to happen. But I understand and am reminded that "how boring would life be if I knew what was going to happen?". I hate boring, but I love peace. I want everything I do to come from PEACE. Even the risks I take that are uncomfortable.

Is it comfortable for me to ask a lady out on a date? NOOO. Is it safe? Not really. Its a risk. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Its a risk. And I have to push through fear of all kinds of things every time I ask that question "I would like to take you out dancing. What do you think?". WHEW! I feel stressed just thinking about it.

But if I'm going to have what I want, I have to ask for it. I have to communicate it. And I have to be OK with it and value it. I want to be married, I want to have kids, a family. I want a business that generates cash flow and takes less and less of my time as it grows. I want to minister, I want to play guitar, I want to lead worship, I want a private recording studio...in my home. I want a huge home that I own, debt free. I want it to have a movie room with lether chairs. I want an indoor swimming pool with a retractable roof. I want it to have 10 rooms or more. I want to own a high performance sports car with lether interior, great sound system with a top speed of 200mph...ah yea that would be amazing.

And there it is. The voice of critisism that say I want too much. I'm too demanding. I'm too needy. I'm too much of a burdon because I want so many things out of life. I need love, comfort, security, joy, peace, confidence...I need a lot. And is it ok? The voice of critisism say no. Your needs and wants are not OK, you are not OK. You need and want too much.

I say BULLSHIT. God didn't create me to be a formless, passionless, worthless void of a man...he gave me worth. I am worth it all because HE SAYS SO. HE SAYS SOOO!!!

Thats the God that I serve. He isn't some rechid being with lots of power, a huge ego and a mean temper looking for someone to stomp on when someone says something He doesn't like.

That sounds more like the way I've treated myself.

NO. The God I serve is not just God, He is my LOVING FATHER. Loving, caring, gentle, graceful, happy, generous, and always loves to listen to me. He loves holding me and kissing me and showing me all the affection my heart can handle. He is a lover, and He NEVER QUITS ON ME. Thats my God. He loves me and grants me the desires of my heart.

Speaking of God this way brings up some pain, some sensitive part of my heart that is rarely if ever spoken of. But I'm glad I'm saying something. Giving myself the room to speak my heart, one of the deepest places of my heart without inhibition. I am OK.

I love being who I am, and being who my LOVING FATHER has created me to be.

I remember when one of my professors noted on my comment as I referred to God as "daddy".

The professor called it "cheesy". The message to my heart was "God isn't that close to you. And He doesn't want to be."

The reality is is that He loves us, and He'll never let us go.

So here I go, following the voice that says "Do what you love with your life".