I want to note an epiphany I had today.

I recently dated a girl for a couple months. It didn't end up working out, but I did learn some valuable lessons in the process.

I realized today that I tried to do a trade with her... "I'll give you my heart if you'll date me, if you will be a relationship with me". While I was on dates with her I gave her virtually everything she asked for, or that I thought she wanted. First this started out materially, but then worked its way into time.

The message I was getting from her was "I really like spending time with you and getting to know you personally". My response to that was "OK, I'll give you as much time as I have to give". But I actually gave her much more than I could AND remain healthy.

Our first date that was about 6 hours. Our second date was . . . (wow I just realized that I have believed that if I gave her everything she wanted that I've believed that she would then want to be with me, because I met every single want she had) . . . . the lunch date where I had to work that afternoon, but ended up being about 5 hours. Then our third date was 19 hours...holy frick...and our forth date was about 12 hours.

I thought "If I can only give her what she wants, then I can get her to be with me"... whew! I don't want that belief operating in me anywhere, of "if I can just give enough, I can control whether she wants to be with me". O man, scary thoughts.

Then it moved finally to the heart. When she asked me for my thoughts, my heart, I barely stopped short of giving her everything she asked me for. Actually no, I gave her everything she asked for, way beyond my capacity. WAY BEYOND. Money, time, and emotionally/heart wise I overstepped my boundaries in all those areas. My goodness.

No wonder it hurt so much when she said she only sees us as friends. My heart/mind said, "but I gave you everything you asked for. Only someone who wants to be really close to me, who wants to be with me will ask me for something that deep. How can you say no to what I want? I Thought I gave you what you wanted. Time, emotions, money, gifts. Gees, what else does it take to make you happy?" And I wanted to give it. I've been preparing to give it, to the right woman, at the right time. Like my virginity, I've been grooming and preparing my heart to be able to share honestly and deeply and authentically. And there it was, there was the moment, on the morning of our forth date. When she started asking me those questions I was so eager to answer/ to share, because I felt important and validated because, finally, a woman wanted to know my heart. And not just a woman, but THE woman, an amazing woman. And I was so eager to share it with her. I've wanted to let someone see who I really am, at the heart of me. So I did. And I loved it as much as it scared me, and it was premature. Normally I'm the one to asked those questions, and go too far in the introductory stage. This time it was her.

When she said she only saw us as friends, I felt like she was saying "I don't like who you really are at the heart of you. What I saw I didn't like, and I don't want to see it again. You didn't give me enough and meet my needs, so I'm going elsewhere." And I thought to myself "I don't blame you. If what I have to give isn't enough to keep you with me, then you do need to be with someone else." But that wasn't even the issue. And whatever the issue was for her, probably had to do with my personal care. Beyond that is none of my business to look into.

That's freakin painful. LORD that hurts.

The way I treated myself during our dates was abusive to my heart, to who I am. I ignored my heart when it said to " keep the dates to 3 hours ", and when I shared my heart so deeply, and when I spent WAY more money than I could afford. I completely abandoned myself and my self care in an effort to GET her to be "mine".

Whew! That didn't work out too well. I may have not set her on a pedestal, but i didn't honor myself.

I apologize to you my heart for abusing and using you to try to get my way. I apologize for doing things to you that were unhealthy and damaging. I apologize for giving you away prematurely and setting a tone for you that made you feel unsafe. I apologize for expending you, self, in time, money, and emotions in ways that were against your well being and past your boundaries.

Help me father to stand up during my next dates for my personal boundaries, wherever I may discover them. Help me to be sensitive and obedient to my heart and not give more of myself than is appropriate for that place in our relationship.