I think I'm safe in posting almost anything here since I have no subscribers, so I think I'll rant for a while, talk up a storm, whatnot.  Earlier this year I was fired from a job.  Ajumas as they are termed in Korea (which means older, married women) came in to Poly in school in protest that I had to go.

It was only afterward that I discovered much to my surprise that I had a massive pride problem going on.  SHOCKER!

As of this post I've been teaching in Korea for about 19 months.  It's been a heroine ride through the inner world of emotions that one goes through in a transition like this.

Acclimating to Korea is one of the hardest, most challenging things I've ever done.  So far I've been successful thanks to God almighty, without whose help I would have surly run for my life months ago.  I'm slowly learning the language, hangooka, and learning how to relate not only to Koreans who are TOTALLY different from North Americans, but also to Iranians, South Americans, and many different religions.

In the midst of all the sheer chaos of change inside and outside my only battle strong companion is Jesus Christ.  No doubt about it.  He's brought me extraordinary community, and a great mentor and pastor.  The life of an expat is no joke.  It's fraught with change and danger and thrill.  And I love it.  I love every waking second of it, because every single day it's either sink or swim.

There's no in between.  Every day I'm faced with the question "who are you going to live for?"  I have to ask myself who and what I live for every day.  It's just too difficult a life to do it for kicks and giggles.  This is all out war in every sense imaginable.  And it doesn't stop.  The only thing that keeps me sane in the fight for revival in Korea and my city Chuncheon is the peace of God, and His joy.  Without His filling, I'd be 3 sheets to the wind most days.  There's just too much happening to let your guard down for very long.

Thankfully I have a community here that totally rocks called Harvest Time International Church.

The moment that I arrived in Chuncheon, they embraced me with open arms and then made fun of me.  This is the perfect in for a personality like mine, because I make fun of everyone.

If you want to step out of your 9-5 Americanized comfort zone into a vein of destiny and glory you never dreamed was possible, get your ass to Korea.  I guarantee your life will be changed forever.

If you'd met me just 2 years ago, and then talked to me today I think you would see just how dramatic the change is that God has done in my life, using this country to push ALL my buttons so that He could burn them off.  Whew!  It sure gets smoky sometimes.

What I can say about Chuncheon is that it has mountains and rivers and lakes all around.  I have easily put over 200 miles on my bike since moving here.  There is just so much beauty to behold and take it that exploring the area is a great distraction for the burn I feel in my legs.

They is a dark underbelly to Chuncheon as well.  Prostitution is alive and well.  Just head down to the local pink lit brothel.  But you will find that kind of thing everywhere in Korea as it's a country where sex trafficking is alive and well.  But I'm praying for it's destruction.  Mostly for the destruction of the works of satan in the area.  It certainly feels dark sometimes, but God is shining His light through those of us here who call on His name: Jesus.  Every spirit has to bow at that name.

I want to note an epiphany I had today.

I recently dated a girl for a couple months. It didn't end up working out, but I did learn some valuable lessons in the process.

I realized today that I tried to do a trade with her... "I'll give you my heart if you'll date me, if you will be a relationship with me". While I was on dates with her I gave her virtually everything she asked for, or that I thought she wanted. First this started out materially, but then worked its way into time.

The message I was getting from her was "I really like spending time with you and getting to know you personally". My response to that was "OK, I'll give you as much time as I have to give". But I actually gave her much more than I could AND remain healthy.

Our first date that was about 6 hours. Our second date was . . . (wow I just realized that I have believed that if I gave her everything she wanted that I've believed that she would then want to be with me, because I met every single want she had) . . . . the lunch date where I had to work that afternoon, but ended up being about 5 hours. Then our third date was 19 hours...holy frick...and our forth date was about 12 hours.

I thought "If I can only give her what she wants, then I can get her to be with me"... whew! I don't want that belief operating in me anywhere, of "if I can just give enough, I can control whether she wants to be with me". O man, scary thoughts.

Then it moved finally to the heart. When she asked me for my thoughts, my heart, I barely stopped short of giving her everything she asked me for. Actually no, I gave her everything she asked for, way beyond my capacity. WAY BEYOND. Money, time, and emotionally/heart wise I overstepped my boundaries in all those areas. My goodness.

No wonder it hurt so much when she said she only sees us as friends. My heart/mind said, "but I gave you everything you asked for. Only someone who wants to be really close to me, who wants to be with me will ask me for something that deep. How can you say no to what I want? I Thought I gave you what you wanted. Time, emotions, money, gifts. Gees, what else does it take to make you happy?" And I wanted to give it. I've been preparing to give it, to the right woman, at the right time. Like my virginity, I've been grooming and preparing my heart to be able to share honestly and deeply and authentically. And there it was, there was the moment, on the morning of our forth date. When she started asking me those questions I was so eager to answer/ to share, because I felt important and validated because, finally, a woman wanted to know my heart. And not just a woman, but THE woman, an amazing woman. And I was so eager to share it with her. I've wanted to let someone see who I really am, at the heart of me. So I did. And I loved it as much as it scared me, and it was premature. Normally I'm the one to asked those questions, and go too far in the introductory stage. This time it was her.

When she said she only saw us as friends, I felt like she was saying "I don't like who you really are at the heart of you. What I saw I didn't like, and I don't want to see it again. You didn't give me enough and meet my needs, so I'm going elsewhere." And I thought to myself "I don't blame you. If what I have to give isn't enough to keep you with me, then you do need to be with someone else." But that wasn't even the issue. And whatever the issue was for her, probably had to do with my personal care. Beyond that is none of my business to look into.

That's freakin painful. LORD that hurts.

The way I treated myself during our dates was abusive to my heart, to who I am. I ignored my heart when it said to " keep the dates to 3 hours ", and when I shared my heart so deeply, and when I spent WAY more money than I could afford. I completely abandoned myself and my self care in an effort to GET her to be "mine".

Whew! That didn't work out too well. I may have not set her on a pedestal, but i didn't honor myself.

I apologize to you my heart for abusing and using you to try to get my way. I apologize for doing things to you that were unhealthy and damaging. I apologize for giving you away prematurely and setting a tone for you that made you feel unsafe. I apologize for expending you, self, in time, money, and emotions in ways that were against your well being and past your boundaries.

Help me father to stand up during my next dates for my personal boundaries, wherever I may discover them. Help me to be sensitive and obedient to my heart and not give more of myself than is appropriate for that place in our relationship.

The last couple of weeks have been so intense for me. I had a couple of girls flake on me that I was going to go out with, one girl I was dating said she hoped we could "be friends". My job started working me until one and two in the morning, I was able to sell my motorcycle and my guitar and pay off some Debt at 50% of what I owed...and a business opportunity has come up. Lots of things happening. Some of them outside, and some of them intrinsic, heart type changes and, o my goodness I have been feeling so stretched. So many changes all the time.

But one thing I've learned about myself, and that I am learning to a greater and deeper level is that I thrive on change. I Love change. OK, well I also hate it. Change is hard for me. Its uncomfortable, and I feel unsafe and insecure when change is happening. AND I love change. I don't thrive in environments where things remain static. I start to die a slow death when I work the 9-5 of the regular job. A friend of mine recently said that she could not stand working full time. That she gets really bord with the predictability of getting the same paycheck every week. There is something in me that cringes when I hear those kind of words. Risky words. Its the comfortable part of me. Its the part of me that wants to curl up and bask in predictability and distraction. Its the part of me that wants to settle, just cruise through life, not really accomplishing anything or making any waves. The safe life.

Right, like thats going to happen.

But the other part of me is the side that thrives on risk, on new experiences, people, and places and things. There is something in me that says, no, demands that I strive for greatness. That pushes me to achieve, to reach and grow and challenge the way life has to be lived. It says that I don't have to be perfect, that the circomstances don't have to be perfect, for me to strike out and execute whatever stragety or idea that is bouncing around my head or heart. Its the voice that encourages me to GO FOR IT. Plan, calculate, be smart, then LAUNCH. Don't hesitate, don't look back, don't worry about the future or how its going to work out. Don't worry about things you can't control. Take a step, you will be OK.

Thats the voice I love. It sets me free. IT IS THE VOICE OF FREEDOM.

I LOVE FREEDOM.

I love doing what I love. I love persuing life with passion, and excitement. I love NOT knowing whats going to happen. Is it easy to not know whats going to happen? NO. Part of me wants to know EVERYTHING thats going to happen. But I understand and am reminded that "how boring would life be if I knew what was going to happen?". I hate boring, but I love peace. I want everything I do to come from PEACE. Even the risks I take that are uncomfortable.

Is it comfortable for me to ask a lady out on a date? NOOO. Is it safe? Not really. Its a risk. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Its a risk. And I have to push through fear of all kinds of things every time I ask that question "I would like to take you out dancing. What do you think?". WHEW! I feel stressed just thinking about it.

But if I'm going to have what I want, I have to ask for it. I have to communicate it. And I have to be OK with it and value it. I want to be married, I want to have kids, a family. I want a business that generates cash flow and takes less and less of my time as it grows. I want to minister, I want to play guitar, I want to lead worship, I want a private recording studio...in my home. I want a huge home that I own, debt free. I want it to have a movie room with lether chairs. I want an indoor swimming pool with a retractable roof. I want it to have 10 rooms or more. I want to own a high performance sports car with lether interior, great sound system with a top speed of 200mph...ah yea that would be amazing.

And there it is. The voice of critisism that say I want too much. I'm too demanding. I'm too needy. I'm too much of a burdon because I want so many things out of life. I need love, comfort, security, joy, peace, confidence...I need a lot. And is it ok? The voice of critisism say no. Your needs and wants are not OK, you are not OK. You need and want too much.

I say BULLSHIT. God didn't create me to be a formless, passionless, worthless void of a man...he gave me worth. I am worth it all because HE SAYS SO. HE SAYS SOOO!!!

Thats the God that I serve. He isn't some rechid being with lots of power, a huge ego and a mean temper looking for someone to stomp on when someone says something He doesn't like.

That sounds more like the way I've treated myself.

NO. The God I serve is not just God, He is my LOVING FATHER. Loving, caring, gentle, graceful, happy, generous, and always loves to listen to me. He loves holding me and kissing me and showing me all the affection my heart can handle. He is a lover, and He NEVER QUITS ON ME. Thats my God. He loves me and grants me the desires of my heart.

Speaking of God this way brings up some pain, some sensitive part of my heart that is rarely if ever spoken of. But I'm glad I'm saying something. Giving myself the room to speak my heart, one of the deepest places of my heart without inhibition. I am OK.

I love being who I am, and being who my LOVING FATHER has created me to be.

I remember when one of my professors noted on my comment as I referred to God as "daddy".

The professor called it "cheesy". The message to my heart was "God isn't that close to you. And He doesn't want to be."

The reality is is that He loves us, and He'll never let us go.

So here I go, following the voice that says "Do what you love with your life".